The Last Love Life
by Austennerdita2533
Summary: A collection of drabbles/oneshots that chronicle Klaus and Caroline's eternally married "last love" shenanigans. Expect absurdity, humor, crack scenarios, and appearances from other TVD/TO characters. (Established!KC. Some Kalijah, Rebenzo, Kennett, Bonenzo, etc. featured as well.) Cover by the fantastic accidental-rambler.
1. Errand Complaints and Champagne

**AUTHOR'S NOTE** **: Established!KC texting conversation. Total crack. Short and sweet. Enjoy! :)**

* * *

— _Monday, 4:32 P.M._

 **Caroline:** Pick these up from the store on your way home—A digging shovel, three gallons of bleach, a pair of latex rubber gloves, sponges, a dust pan, extra-large garbage bags, Tide laundry detergent, Febreeze.

 **Klaus:**?

 **Caroline** : Oh, and milk and eggs. Because we're out. * _kissy emoji_ *

( _4:33 P.M._ )

 **Klaus:** That list is…interesting.

 **Caroline** : Just stop at the store, Klaus.

 **Klaus:** _*thumbs down emoji*_

 **Caroline:** Do you want to sleep with me tonight? Or would you rather sleep in a coffin with Papa Tunde's blade sticking out of your chest?

 **Klaus:** Harsh. Cold. Cruel.

 **Caroline:** Please?

 **Klaus:** How fickle is woman.

 **Caroline:** _*angel halo emoji*_

 _(4:59 P.M)_

 **Klaus:** I got a box of Hefty garbage bags just for you.

 **Caroline:** With handles?

 **Klaus:** ;)

 **Caroline:** That's my Big Bad Beloved Hybrid! Always thinking above and beyond.

 **Klaus** : Only for my queen.

 **Caroline:** _*heart eyes emoji* x5_

 _(5:10 P.M)_

 **Klaus:** Just out of curiosity…

 **Klaus:** What's the purpose of all these items today, love?

 **Klaus:** Are you about to Cinderellafy the mansion again, or are you planning to hide a dead body in a baked cake?

 **Caroline** : Neither.

 **Klaus:**?

( _5:11 P.M._ )

 **Caroline:** Happen to forget about the unholy trinity of witch corpses you left _quartered_ in the middle of the living room, did you?

 **Klaus:** Shit.

 **Caroline:** …Heads severed from necks and limbs suspended—dangling from the ceiling.

 **Caroline:** …Widdled stakes. Upturned furniture. Broken vases and glass everywhere.

 **Klaus:** Shit.

 **Caroline:** Puddles…pools…lakes…oceans of blood. Blood, blood, blood and more BLOOD.

 **Klaus:** Shit. Shit. Shit.

 _(5:12 P.M.)_

 **Caroline** : Is that all you have to say for yourself, mister? _Shit_?

 **Klaus:** _*smirking emoji*_ Would _oops I did it again_ be better?

 **Caroline:** THIS IS NOT FUNNY.

 **Caroline:** Those were brand new floors, Klaus!

 **Caroline:** Brand. New. Floors.

( _5:13 P.M._ )

 **Klaus:** Ill-timed joke, I'm sorry.

 **Klaus:** But…I'll make it up to you. You _know_ I'm good at that, sweetheart.

 **Caroline** : You better!

 **Klaus:** I promise.

 **Caroline:** Cross you heart?

 **Klaus:** However long it takes until I die.

 **Klaus:** _*heart emoji* x infinity_

 _(5:18 P.M.)_

 **Caroline:** Hey, since you're still out..

 **Klaus:** Yes?

 **Caroline:** Wanna stop and get some bubbly for later, Hybrid Hubby? ;)

 **Klaus:** I don't bloody believe this!

 **Caroline:** What?

 **Klaus:** You mean to tell me that all I had to do was accidentally leave a bunch of corpses to rot away our floor for you to _finally_ admit that champagne was our thing?

 **Klaus:** I should have thought of this years ago!

 _(5: 19 P.M.)_

 **Caroline:** Ha! And this is why I love you—you're delusional.

 **Klaus:** Am not.

 **Caroline:** Are too, are too, are toooooo.

 **Klaus:** Champagne is our thing and I CAN'T HEAR YOU.

 **Caroline:** If by _thing_ you mean what I'll be drinking while I watch you mop up blood and bodies on your hands-and-knees, then sure, babe. Champagne is our "thing." * _laughing emoji* *thumbs-up emoji* *clapping emoji*_

 **Klaus:** You're such a tease.

 **Caroline** _:_ Correction: a challenge.

 **Klaus:** Ain't that the bloody truth!

 **Klaus:** But that's okay, I think I'll keep you…forever.

 **Caroline:** I'll drink cheers to that!

 **Klaus:** May God bless my immortal Caroline-polluted heart. _*champagne emoji*_

* * *

 **Comments are lovely.**

 **xx Ashlee Bree**


	2. Snatching, Stomping Royals

**AUTHOR'S NOTE** **: This is a gift drabble for the lovely Kate (accidental-rambler). Absolute crack with slight Hayley/Cami and Stefan/Damon shade. Anyway, HAPPY BIRTHDAY and I hope it makes you laugh.**

 **xx Ashlee Bree**

* * *

"Looky-looky eternal mate of mine, sweet, sweeeet sunshiny Caroline," Klaus hiccuped. He staggered into the center of the back patio gripping a dirty duffle bag, "I'm the Big B-Bad Ace of Hearts!"

"What are you doing? What do you have there?" she asked, shifting in her seat to look at him.

Her eyes widened when he lifted the bag by the handles, jiggling it, and grinned.

"Please tell me that's not what I think it is."

"I'm a king _,_ " he sang off-key, stomping around and ignoring her, "an almighty king, king, king!"

"Klaus? _Klaus_."

"And I can do anything-thing- _thing_ for my beautiful lay-lay-lady!"

Caroline narrowed her eyes. Shook her head. "Come on," she pleaded, "not when I'm entertaining."

"Yes, yes." _Hiccup_. "Right now! It must be now! You're the amazing grace of hearts—" _hiccup, hiccup_ "—so it's only fair that I be the ace."

"Not now…not tonight. You promised!"

"I fear this will not end well," Elijah murmured.

As he dropped his head, sighing, Katherine cupped a hand over her mouth and snickered, "What the hell is _he_ drunk on tonight?"

"Whiskey," answered Marcel as he drained the remaining liquor from his glass and poured himself another.

"Weapons, of course," professed Lucien. He indicated with his chin to the scythe, coiled iron chains, and shovel that rested against a flower pot behind Klaus.

Freya squinted at her brother, observing his ruffled, muddy appearance and spotted clothing. "Ordinarily I'd agree," she said, "but tonight I think it's something else…"

"Wealth, perhaps?" offered Enzo.

"No, no, _no,_ " clucked Kol from beneath the archway that led into the main foyer of the mansion. Licking the slight remnants of blood from his lips, he dragged a chair across the stones and plopped himself into it backwards to join the small party of friends, family, and lovers near the portico. He winked at the blonde to his left. "He's clearly drunk off his woman," he proclaimed.

Caroline almost spit out the B-positive blood she'd just swallowed at these remarks, but focused on her drunkenly swaying hybrid instead.

"I will toss them in the air like apples and oranges, Caroline," Klaus crooned, dimpling at her tauntingly. "I will toss them…alllll…byyyy… _myself_."

"In what world, King Krazy?" she snorted, crinkling her forehead at him. "You're one hundred percent _demented_ if you think you can juggle any hearts besides yours and mine!"

"I wouldn't challenge him if I were you," Bonnie cautioned. She patted Kol's knee affectionately and then scooted over to drape her arms around his neck. "Delusion _is_ a pretty powerful Mikaelson family trait…"

This earned chuckles from most, glares from Finn and Rebekah who forever pouted with surly sensitivity, exaggerated bows from Kol, shrugged indifference from Freya and Elijah (they took more interest in their French wine and the moonlight than anything), and utter oblivion from Klaus.

"Be grateful for the slight psychosis, my enchanted darling," her boyfriend countered all wagging eyebrows, lowering Bonnie onto his lap until she straddled him, "because it's what makes our lovemaking not only irresistible…"

Hands belting around her hips, Kol dipped her to the side and cradled her in his arms, bending his head to leave a trail of luscious and tantalizing lovebites along her neck.

"But _delicious_ ," he half-hissed against Bonnie's skin.

She gasped in pleasure.

Rebekah made a gagging noise from her place near the fire pit and buried her eyes in Enzo's shirt. "Repulsed onlookers alert! Repulsed onlookers alert!"

"Decency would be much appreciated, please."

"Aww, don't act like such a starched shirt, baby," Katherine purred, curling Elijah's tie around her fingers and biting her bottom lip seductively as she drew him closer, "you _know_ how erotic it is to play with an audience nearby…"

Groaning, Caroline and Rebekah covered their ears; Marcel slapped his knees and howled _atta boy_.

"Ahem, where's the peroxide?" Enzo asked suddenly, standing.

"In the bathroom," Freya replied. "Bottom cupboard. We always keep it near the Clorox." Her forehead pinched."Why?"

Lucien, whose legs encircled her as they perched on a blanket near the Greek oracle fountain, slung an arm around her shoulders and traced circles along her exposed skin. "I believe he wants to sanitize his ears free of all this sexual innuendo, sweetums," he whispered laughingly against her hair.

"Damn straight, mate."

"As would I."

Freya rolled her eyes and smacked Lucien's thigh, collapsing back against him.

"Bring some Q-tips for me, man. My eardrums feel dirty," Marcel piped in with a throaty chuckle.

With his back turned to his company, Klaus rummaged through his bag clumsily on the ground and extracted a few round items which he pillowed in his palms against the hem of his jeans.

"Metaphysic—metamorph—meta _phorically_ you are correct about hearts," he continued to Caroline in slurred, butchered English, completely disregarding the present conversation, "but in the literal way I can—"

"No."

He stiffened.

"What?"

"No."

At this second repetition, Klaus growled. Rose to his feet. Whirling around, he flashed before her with yellow eyes gleaming and his arms extended to wag four solid, sticky organs in her face.

"I _can_ juggle these heart-apples, sweetheart…and I will! Yes, I will—I promise I will!" he crowed, raising them high into the air for everyone to see. Bluish-red blood oozed from them as he squeezed. It streamed down and across his wrists, droplets dripping from his fingers to _plip plop_ against the patio stone.

"Welp, that's killed my appetite," Bonnie grunted as she shot straight up, pushing Kol's lips from her neck.

"I hope you had the foresight to preserve those in something, mate. Don't want those fresh tissues rotting away or anything," Enzo joked.

"Ah, yes," Lucien drawled, "formaldehyde is wonderful for fleshy collectibles. You should see how I catalogue mine—Glass jars. Labels for days."

"Dude, fuck no," Marcel cursed under his breath as he crab-walked backwards. Away from the Original. "I don't want your slimy, smelly formaldehyde hands anywhere near me, got it? That shit freaks me out."

Kol, Katherine, and Freya roared as he scampered away on all fours, inevitably crashing into a table that sent beignets flying into his lap.

"I wouldn't worry, Marcellus," Elijah interjected. Eyes dark with scrutiny, he brushed an index finger across his upper lip. "Niklaus only handles hearts while they're still fresh."

Fingers intertwined with Enzo's, Rebekah leaned forward on her knees.

"To whom do they belong, by the way?" Piqued interest tinged with bloodlust splashed across her features, undulating veins along her cheekbones. "Do we know from whose chests these bloodied organs hail?" she asked.

"Two miserable Salvatores," Kol rallied off nonchalantly, "one bayou werewolf, and one interloping human psychologist/bartender."

Silence. Silence thicker than death. Eyes and open-mouthed surprise tumbled from person to person like crashing dominoes, dousing the party atmosphere in hesitancy and wonder, everyone unsure of how to react appropriately to this news.

"No need to fret, lovelies. We're not gathered here tonight to mourn…" he assured them, "but to celebrate."

Flashing himself and Bonnie to the portico ten feet away, Kol reached behind the outdoor bar to retrieve a large box with three bottles of chilling champagne and ten glasses—one for each of them—before toting it back to the center of the group.

"The Queen of Hearts herself—" he inclined his head at Caroline "—explicitly instructed Nik and I of who and how and when we were to slay," he smirked.

Katherine reached forward for a glass, trying to disguise the sisterly pride that threatened to upturn her lips. "They had it coming, anyway," she shrugged.

"You mean to tell me they're all dead? Gone?" Elijah tossed a questioning glance from Kol to Klaus to Caroline. "We're finally free of their pesky intrusion in our lives?" he marveled.

Smiling guiltily, Caroline averted her gaze. And nodded.

"As free as little birdies," Kol maintained with the pop of the first champagne bottle.

Klaus stumbled to the left as he attempted a shaky bow, "You're—" he swallowed a burp, "you're welcome."

"I'll drink to that!" Enzo announced.

Marcel applauded joyfully and crawled back to the celebration circle. "Pour me an overflowing tumblr," he said. "Time to get this party started!"

"What's wrong, Finn?" Freya asked, side-eyeing him with worry.

"Nothing." He waved off her concern. "I'm quite well," he promised.

Expression pained, lips white, he inhaled sharply and rubbed a hand over his abdomen in long, slow circles as he huddled close to the crackling fire. "Murder-talk tends to give me indigestion sometimes, that's all."

"You're not alone there," Bonnie said. "It gives me a headache." She pressed a hand to her forehead as she said this and curled into the crook of Kol's neck until the feeling subsided.

"I'm only disappointed that you didn't think to request my services," Lucien whined gloomily. He crossed his arms tighter around Freya to help assuage his displeasure. "Know-It-All-Therapist is my meal of choice."

"You mean besides my sister?" Rebekah added wickedly.

With the sound of (nearly) everyone's satisfaction reverberating into the warm night at revelation of these deadly events, Klaus seemed to accumulate a resurgence of wild energy and purpose. He darted to the top of the flower garden steps at the back of the patio in one leaping bound, those fist-sized organs still clutched against his green Henley, to elevate himself above the present company.

He cleared his throat. A demand for quiet. Attention.

"I may be too d-drunk on bourbon and bloodlust to see presently," he garbled incoherently, "but no matter. I will juggle these for your viewing pleasure now…" He lifted the four hearts into the air as if he were presenting a sacrifice—palms raised reverently to the skies, head thrown back and eyes closed. "Just you wait and see how high they soar…"

Bolting from her seat, Caroline manacled him by the wrists in a second, her voice firm. Harsh.

"You will do no such, thing, mister," she warned. "Don't—you— _dare_."

Klaus' nostrils flared as his head cocked upright and their gazes met. But his arms remained steady. Rigid. They didn't move an inch.

"Do you hear me?"

"But I _can_ juggle these. I can, I can! Just watch," he begged, "…please?"

"I said," Caroline paused for emphasis, " _no_."

Hurt cascaded across his features at this, fluttering his eyelashes in quick blinks and dropping his chin toward his chest. His voice dipped petulantly, "You're ruining our joint triumph right now. Why must you doubt me?" Klaus sulked.

"First," she explained, "because under _no_ circumstances have you ever possessed a single shred of circus talent—thank god! Clowns, face paint, and hula hoops do nothing for me."

Finn shivered. "I've always hated clowns."

"Same," Rebekah, Bonnie, and Elijah agreed in unison.

"In the 30's, I once turned a quartet of them into a puppet show of dancing limbs for a group of rotten children," Lucien offered in aside, a faraway glint of mischief and maliciousness twinkling in his eyes. "Best way to do a circus, in my opinion."

Kol and Marcel shrieked with _that's brilliant_ amusement; Katherine clinked his glass in _cheers_.

"That's awful."

"Take care, Freyalicious," Enzo said comfortingly, patting her boot in an attempt to smother her building outrage, "it sounds like the little brats deserved it."

"They did."

Klaus and Caroline, still rankled in their own private discussion, heeded none of this.

"Second, if we're going to celebrate this momentous occasion right here—tonight," she continued in a low voice, "then we're going to do it right. Or not at all."

Curiosity quirked one of the hybrid's eyebrows as he perceived the cunning edge to her tone. Hooked at the navel, tethered in her blinding gravity for the rest of forever, he stepped closer. "What exactly do you have in mind, love?" he drawled in a sensuous whisper.

"I ordered you to snatch these alone, now I order you to squash them…with _me_." Caroline paused for a moment, licking her lips. "If we do this—" her blue eyes darkened, "I want to do it right—all of us together. Okay?"

"Okay," he conceded.

A small, devilish smile crept slowly up the edges of her lips as she slipped her hands over the hearts in his hand and squeezed; covering them like the top slice of bread on a sandwich for a moment, then knocking them down. Away. One violent swipe and they tumbled to the ground with an apple _squish squish._ Rolling like distorted hockey pucks. Blood and tissue squirting everywhere. Soiling the patio floor.

A hush fell over the party again as Caroline's infectious laugh suddenly chimed loud and clear through the air.

"Anyone up for crushing these heart-grapes into blood-wine with us?" she called out.

Klaus reeled her in for one rough, sloppy kiss all tongue and devouring lips at this, then turned to the rest of them and added, "We could use some extra feet for squashing, if you're interested."

Sinful delight colored Caroline's face as she looped an arm around her Original's elbow and spun them both with reckless abandon, pounding those four unfortunate organs hard into the concrete with joint hopscotching feet. The others joined quickly in the festivities. Hooting. Hollering. Hallelujah-ing. Merriment and celebration crashing over them all.

No more Hayley, Camille, or the Salvatores—it became the percussive deathbeat of their stamping feet. They were unencumbered. No hate, no disgust. Without further obligation or duty. Always! Forever! F-R-E-E!

Bubbled in tipsy freedom and way too much champagne, around and around and around they all twirled beneath the August starlight and well into the morning. That night, they were just one loud, contented supernatural family who ruled, loved, and celebrated together. Triumphant at last, nothing but their uproarious laughter and a creative _stomp-ing hearts, stomp-ing hearts_ chant dared to echo down the New Orleans streets.

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 **Completely ridiculous, no? haha. Review, por favor. xx**


	3. Ginger Snapped

**AUTHOR'S NOTE** **: This is for Day 5 of Klaroline AU Week. For Cristy who suggested a while back that I write another all-texting KC drabble.** **It's post-canon-ish in that Klaus and Caroline are an established couple. Also, some TO characters make an appearance just because. Happy reading. :)**

 **xx Ashlee Bree**

* * *

 ** _(Group Text Message: Klaus and Caroline +10 others)_**

 _—Wednesday 4:32 P.M._

 **Klaus** : From the gallows, you all hang by your THROATS. Swinging, swinging, swinging like ticking body clocks…

 **Klaus** : …until your necks _snap!_

 **Caroline** : Hey! Watch the death tone, mister.

 **Klaus** : Cracking your lies and stealth like bone.

 **Caroline** : Wth!?

 **Klaus** : I will break you allllll.

 **Caroline** : Have you lost your freaking mind?

 _(4:33 P.M._ )

 **Klaus** : Piece by piece, limb by limb, I will lacerate your organs through your bleeding skin…

 **Katherine** : Heh. I need snacks for this.

 **Kol** : Plus lots 'o booze. (And babes.) ;)

( _4:36 P.M_.)

 **Caroline** : Are you reading a _Tale of Two Cities_ again?

 **Klaus** : No.

 **Caroline** : Be honest.

 **Klaus** : I am!

 **Caroline** : Gallows/guillotine crap only spews from you when you read it, Klaus…

 **Klaus** : No Dickens, no book.

 **Klaus** : But it IS the worst of times, love.

( _4:39 P.M_.)

 **Freya** : Really?

 **Klaus** : The. Absolute. Worst. _*bomb emoji*_ x5

 **Rebekah** : Behold my brother, everyone—the bloody Drama King of NOLA. smh.

 **Enzo** : * _popcorn emoji_ *

( _4:40 P.M_.)

 **Caroline** : Umm…since when?

 **Caroline** : Everything was fine when I left this afternoon, Klaus.

 **Klaus** : RIGHT THIS DAMN SECOND.

 **Caroline** : Why? What happened?

 **Klaus** : Greed. Thievery. Treachery. Unforgivable treachery!

( _4:41 P.M_ )

 **Caroline** : I think perhaps you're overreacting…?

 **Klaus** : I'm not!

 **Klaus** : No one—I repeat— _no one_ takes what is mine and goes free. Never!

( _4:45 P.M_.)

 **Katherine** : Running shoes are needed, E. Immediately.

 **Katherine** : Where are they?

 **Elijah** : Garbage.

 **Katherine** : What!? * _shocked emoji_ *

 **Elijah** : It's where they belong.

 **Elijah** : You, my dearest Katerina, remain by my side now.

 **Elijah:** Always.

 **Katherine** : * _kissy face emoji_ *

( _4:46 P.M_ )

 **Rebekah** : Someone gag me, please.

 **Marcel** : Ditto.

( _4:50 P.M_.)

 **Klaus** : You two wouldn't get far regardless.

 **Klaus** : None of you would.

( _4:52 P.M_ )

 **Klaus** : The guilty cannot hide from me. The guilty cannot win. From head to toes, amid screams and woes, I will slice away chunks of guilty flesh until one of you chooses to CONFESS.

( _4:53 P.M_.)

 **Freya** : Confess?

 **Kol** : Nice to see your premeditated-murder fingers are hard at work again, Nik. ;)

 **Kol** : By the way, I hid all the daggers. _*smirking emoji*_

 **Freya** : Confess what?

 **Rebekah** : Ignore him. His hybrid briefs are obviously twisted. (Like his brain.)

 **Elijah** : Do not encourage him, please.

 **Rebekah** : I am not a child, Elijah. You cannot tell me what to do!

 **Elijah** : I can and I will.

 **Marcel** : Fight, fight, fight. _*fist emoji*_

( _4:58 P.M_ )

 **Klaus** : CONFESS.

 **Enzo** : Dun, dun, dun—Klaus the Killer is on the texting loose!

 **Kol** _:_ * _machete emoji* x3_

 **Klaus** : I WILL SACRIFICE YOUR HEADS.

( _4:59 P.M_.)

 **Finn** : He sounds pissed.

 **Marcel** : Someone probably crossed him.

 **Katherine** : I swear on my $500 boots, I didn't trick him. Not today, anyway. MUAHAHA.

 **Enzo** : * _angel halo emoji_ *

 **Camille** : But who did? * _sweating emoji*_

 _(5:02 P.M.)_

 **Klaus** : I WILL SERVE YOUR BEATING HEARTS ON A SILVER PLATTER…

 **Klaus** : AND FEED THEM TO THE SHARKS.

( _5:05 P.M_ )

 **Caroline** : Don't worry all, humanity is there. ;)

 **Hayley** : Pfft, where?

 **Caroline** : Can't you smell it, wolf girl?

 **Hayley** : Beast? Sure do.

 **Caroline** : Not that.

 **Klaus** : CONFESS.

 **Hayley** : Then what?

 **Caroline** : You love lifting your nose high into the air, so why not take an alpha-sized _sniff, sniff?_

 **Caroline** : Smell harder. Deeper. Aim for the human cologne on the _inside_.

( _5:06 P.M_ )

 **Camille** : Keep in mind, Hayley, that scent is inextricably linked to emotion, memory, and psychological trauma. :)

 **Enzo** : Pretty sure no one cares.

 **Kol** : At all.

 **Marcel** : Burnnn.

 **Rebekah** : * _crying with laughter emoji_ *

( _5:07 P.M_ )

 **Camille** : Close your eyes, friend. Take a deep breath. Tell us what your nasal senses reveal about Klaus.

 **Caroline** : Nasal senses?

 **Kol** : Oh, for fuck's sake.

 **Enzo** : Is this chick for real?

( _5:08 P.M. Hayley is typing…_ )

 **Hayley** : All I smell is hate.

 **Klaus** : CONFESS.

 **Hayley** : And blood.

 **Klaus** : CONFESS.

 **Hayley** : And brutality.

 **Klaus** : CONFESS.

 **Hayley** : And lies.

 **Klaus** : CONFESS.

( _5:09 P.M._ )

 **Caroline** : Wow, deaf, dumb, and blind much?

 **Kol** : * _laughing emoji* *applaud emoji* *praise emoji*_

 **Klaus** : CONFESS.

 _(5:10 P.M.)_

 **Hayley** : Hey, I see what I see.

 **Freya** : I pity you. :/

 **Caroline** : She's hopeless.

 **Katherine** : This is why I'm the precious moonstone and you're nothing but a filthy rock, Hayley.

 **Enzo** : Easy, Kit Kat Bar. Wolfy knows she's nothing but a * _turd emoji_ *

 **Elijah** : If she didn't, I'm afraid she does now.

( _5:11 P.M_.)

 **Hayley** : Et tu, Elijah? :(

 **Elijah** : He's my brother. Family comes first.

 **Rebekah** : Always.

 **Kol** : Forever.

 **Caroline** : For better or for worse.

 **Finn** : In life and in death.

 **Freya** : We're united. * _heart emoji_ *

( _5:12 P.M_ )

 **Hayley** : I can't believe you agree with them, Elijah! Wtf? You just broke my heart.

 **Elijah** : I apologize.

 **Hayley** : Hah! I knew you cared for me. * _happy emoji*_

 **Elijah** : I'll send you some glue to repair it.

( _5:13 P.M_ )

 **Marcel** : Ouch. Double burn!

 **Enzo** : Shall I send Wolfy some ice?

 **Hayley** : * _glaring emoji_ *

( _5:15 P.M_ )

 **Klaus** : CONFESS. CONFESS. CONFESS.

 **Klaus** : BEFORE I BURY YOUR CRACKED SKULLS IN THE DIRT WITH OTHER WORM-EATEN HEADS.

 **Camille** : Omg, omg! Please please _please_ don't let anyone die!

 **Camille** : You're better than that!

 **Camille** : You are, you are!

( _5:16 P.M_ )

 **Caroline** : Yeahhh, not when he's thirsty for revenge he isn't.

 **Camille** : I can't bear it. * _weary emoji_ *

( _5:18 P.M_ )

 **Kol** : Oops, he did it again! #BrokeTheBartender

 **Finn** : Too bad. Not sad.

 **Freya** : Pass her some scotch.

 **Rebekah** : Or some scotch bloody tape.

( _5:20 P.M_ )

 **Klaus** : Time is quickly ticking down and winding out of spools…

 **Klaus** : Now, tell me who's to blame for this—

 **Klaus** : [ _inserts picture of 5 empty cardboard boxes from a table in the compound_ ]

 **Klaus** : —you prattling bunch of fools!

( _5:25 P.M_ )

 **Marcel** : Aw, shit.

 **Hayley** : Hell no!

 **Finn** : I sacrifice the truth and swear it wasn't me. #StakedInInnocence

 **Freya** : Me either.

 **Katherine** : * _mouth-zipped-shut emoji_ *

 **Camille** : I'm scared, guys.

 **Enzo** : Who bloody dared?

 **Rebekah** : * _covered eyes emoji_ *

 **Kol** : Someone's 'gon die like a strangled puppet in bye, bye bye…

( _5:26 P.M_.)

 **Elijah** : Let's remain calm. There's no need for violence here.

 **Enzo** : Or fingers covered in blood.

 **Marcel** : Or death.

 **Klaus** : THAT'S WHAT YOU THINK.

( _5:27 P.M_ )

 **Enzo** : But I'm too handsome to die!

 **Kol** : You can't murder the ladykillers, surely? * _skull emoji_ *

 **Rebekah** : Spare them, Nik. Please?

 **Klaus** : I DO NOT SPARE GUILTY SWINE.

( _5:30 P.M_ )

 **Klaus** : YOU BETTER RUN, YOU BETTER HIDE. BEFORE I SUBDUE YOU WITH MY SNAKE EYES.

 **Klaus** : YOUR NINTH LIVES ARE NOW MINE!

( _5:31 P.M_.)

 **Camille** : Stop, stop, stooooop! Please stop! * _sobbing emoji*_

 **Klaus** : THEY WILL DIE. TIME TO SAY GOODBYEEE.

( _5:32 P.M_.)

 **Camille** : But—but…it wasn't them!

 **Katherine** : Plot twist!?

 **Elijah** : Intrigue.

 **Klaus** : THEN WHO?

( _5:33 P.M_ )

 **Camille** : Me.

 _(5:34 P.M_.)

 **Rebekah** : Bloody hell.

 **Katherine** : Someone hand me my jaw—it's on the floor next to this chick's soon-to-be-flayed corpse. * _coffin emoji_ *

 **Freya** : _R_ est. _I_ n. _P_ ieces.

 **Marcel** : …Here comes the swine! Strangled by some twine!

 **Enzo** : See how she squeals as she's crushed into brine!

 **Kol** : Mmm, I bet she'll taste divine. * _delicious emoji_ *

( _5:36 P.M_.)

 **Camille** : I'm so unbelievably sorry, Klaus, but it's my fault. They were just there and I didn't…I didn't know…

( _5:37 P.M_ )

 **Caroline** : Omfg, you idiot!

 **Camille** : Excuse me, but having a PhD makes me the opposite of an idiot.

 **Kol** : * _considering emoji_ *

 **Enzo** : Does it?

 **Caroline** : Klaus always, always progresses from ravenous to savage to deranged whenever he runs out, Cami!

 **Camille** : * _dejected emoji_ *

 **Caroline** : He's paranoid as hell and thinks someone stole from him!

 **Camille** : It was an accident. I didn't realize…

 **Caroline** : What are you talking about? I freaking _warned_ you!

 **Camille** : I forgot!

( _5:38 P.M_ )

 **Katherine** : Sorry, but aren't psychologists supposed to remember their patients' triggers? lol

 **Elijah** : One would assume so, yes.

 **Marcel** : She probably forgot to mark it in her notes. * _whoops emoji_ *

 **Finn** : Her license should be revoked!

 **Kol** : Nah, just hang her by her throat.

 **Rebekah** : * _skull emoji_ *

( _5:39 P.M)_

 **Klaus** : OFF WITH HER HEAD, OFF WITH HER HEAD, OFF WITH HER HEAAAAAD!

 **Klaus** : YOUR MINUTES ARE NUMBERED MY BABBLING, GLUTTON-GRABBY, NO-GOOD FRIEND!

 **Klaus** : SAY GOODNIGHT, DISGRACEY. YOU WILL SOON WALK AMONG THE DEAD.

 **Camille** : I didn't mean to do it. I—I'm sorry, I'm so, so sorry!

( _5:40 P.M_ )

 **Caroline** : Wait haha, I thought I was the drama major?

 **Caroline:** Calm yourself, geeze.

( _5:41 P.M_ )

 **Camille** : Please, don't kill me! I don't deserve to die for this.

 **Camille** : I don't, I don't, I don't! * _sobbing emoji_ *

( _5:42 P.M_ )

 **Caroline** : Jfc, I'll handle him, okay?

 **Hayley** : Hah. As if, beauty queen.

 **Caroline** : * _middle finger emoji_ *

( _5:43 P.M_ )

 **Caroline** : Klaus!

 **Klaus** : YES, WIFEY? _*heart eyes emoji*_

 **Caroline** : Sit back, thumbs down, caps off, and no more death threats because I have something important to say.

 **Klaus** : Okay. ;)

( _5:44 P.M_ )

 **Caroline** : Now, listen up everybody!

 **Klaus** : I'm listening. * _kissy face emoji_ *

 **Caroline** : This is a life-saving PSA announcement.

 **Klaus** : Noted.

( _5:45 P.M_ )

 **Caroline** : Unless you want to die a most gruesome, strewn-out, despicable, torturous death…

 **Caroline** : …then everyone please—leave—Klaus'—ginger—snaps—the—hell—ALONE.

 **Klaus** : ^^^ _*thumbs up emoji* x3_ ^^^

 **Caroline** : That is all. Thank you! :)

 **Enzo** : (Blondie bows.) (Drops mic.) (Signs tf out…)

 **Katherine** : (Narrator in the background: —xoxo Klaus' Ginger Snapped Queen)

* * *

 **When life gets rough, I write absolutely absurd stories to make myself laugh. This is the result. (P.S. I blame my brother for this ridiculousness because he ate _all_ of my ginger snaps a while back and stirred my imagination haha.)**

 **Thoughts? Thank you so much for reading! xx**


	4. Not For Anyone But You, Grinchy

**A/N : Some holiday Klaroline crack!fluff for you all. Inspired by a fake fic title prompt ("Anyone But You") from the lovely gooddame on Tumblr and by my ridiculous love of fuzzy pajama pants. Enjoy. :)**

* * *

 **Caroline** : Oh, for the love of all things merry and bright, would you stop freaking _griping_ already!?

 **Klaus** : [ _incoherent grumbling_ ]

 **Caroline** : Sheesh, your worse than Elijah.

 **Klaus** : I am the Mean One, sweetheart. Or have you forgotten?

 **Caroline** : This is supposed to be fun, Klaus!

 **Klaus** : No, this is insanity—pure candy cane, wrapped-in-garland-and-tinsel _insanity_.

 **Caroline** [ _shrugs_ ]: Add some mistletoe to that recipe and I'm okay with it.

 **Klaus** : Wouldn't you rather enlist Kol or Enzo for this? Those two revel in holiday nonsense, particularly if it involves pointy-eared mischief.

 **Caroline** : Nope!

 **Klaus** : I think you should reconsider…

 **Caroline** : I think you should shut up and do as instructed.

 _Lips pert yet coy, he peers at her through long eyelashes._

 **Klaus** : But they're much more jolly and elfish than I'll ever manage to be…

 **Caroline** : Well, unfortunately for them, _you're_ the one who promised me cute and festive holiday cards so you're not getting off the hook. Suck it up, Mikaelson.

 **Klaus** : Am I mad? What the hell was I thinking?

 **Caroline** : You weren't…now smile!

 **Klaus** : I'd prefer to scowl.

 **Caroline** : Please smile.

 **Klaus** : No, I am not Buddy the Elf.

 _She reins in a pout as she flashes to switch off the camera and then whirls back around to face him with a sigh, her eyes narrowed._

 **Caroline** : Okay, what is the problem here?

 **Klaus** : It's obvious.

 **Caroline** : Not to me it isn't.

 _Her head tilted, she considers him with crossed arms and one eyebrow quirked in question._

 **Klaus** : Just…look at me!

 _He gestures down and across himself with an agitated sweep of the hand, then gapes at her wide-eyed and frantic_.

 **Klaus** : Do you and your dazzling vampire eyes happen to see me standing before our decorated pine this December morning?

 **Caroline** : Yes.

 **Klaus** : Do you see how I'm adorned—what I'm wearing?

 **Caroline** : I do.

 **Klaus** : And?

 **Caroline** : _Annnd_ , I think you look mighty sexy in those fuzzy Grinch pajama pants and I love that we match. In fact, you're so soft and green and delicious that I may have to keep you wrapped up in bed with me until well after New Year's…

 _She slinks her arms around his neck and angles toward him on her toes._

 **Caroline** : Now, doesn't that sound cozy?

 **Klaus** [ _pulls back_ ]: I don't mean the pajamas, Caroline.

 **Caroline** : Oh, come on! The accessories are the best part!

 **Klaus** : I'm afraid that is an entirely subjective opinion; which, when translated, means I wholeheartedly _disagree_.

 **Caroline** [ _groans_ ]: You are impossible!

 **Klaus** : Whether you're loving me or hating me, at least you're never misunderstanding me.

 _She throws her head back and stomps._

 **Caroline** : Ugh! This is so like you! Why do you always make such a royal fuss over my adorable couple ideas, huh? You suck, you suck, you _suck_.

 **Klaus** [ _scratches chin_ ]: I don't know…perhaps I'm mad with power?

 **Caroline** : Yeah? Well, how about it makes me want to dagger your infuriating hybrid ass and shove you into a coffin for a hands-off timeout this Christmas! How about _that_ , Scrooge? How. About. That.

 _He_ _presses a kiss to her temple amid a chuckle, but she pushes away—banging hard against his chest with her fists before pacing back and forth in front of the twelve foot tall Douglas Fir. The tree, pungent with cinnamon and pine, is decked out in twinkling lights, vintage ornaments, ribbon, and sparkling bows. It casts them both in warm, red and white light._

 **Caroline** : I mean, you don't hear me pouting because of the silly carrot that's strapped to my face, do you?

 **Klaus** : That's because your nose doesn't bloody _glow_ , does it?

 **Caroline** : Are you freaking kidding me! That's what this whole ridiculous tantrum is about—a stupid blinking red nose!? Seriously?

 **Klaus** : It glows, Caroline. GLOWS.

 **Caroline** : You're Klaus the Red-Nosed Grinch King—of course it glows! That's the whole damn point.

 **Klaus** : I don't get it.

 **Caroline** [ _rolls eyes_ ]: I've transformed us into humorous holiday puns for the card, you fun-sucking lunatic!

 **Klaus** : Oh.

 **Caroline** : And as your beloved Caroline the Carrot-Nosed Grinchy Queen, I promise I won't let the other supernaturals laugh, tease, or call you names, okay?

 **Klaus** [ _muttering_ ]: I'd impale the fools if they tried.

 **Caroline** : Exactly.

 _He exhales a bluster of air and un-tenses his shoulders before flicking her carrot nose with his finger. As he hands her back the camera, resigning himself to his Christmas-costumed- photo fate, she claps with glee and tackles him to the ground._

 **Klaus** : I hope you realize that I wouldn't expose myself to ridicule for anyone but you, love. Not for anyone but you.

 **Caroline** [ _beaming_ ]: To prove that, you're going to have to kiss me until I see dancing sugar plums.

 **Klaus** : Oh, I believe that can be arranged…

 _His right arm fastens around her waist. It holds her close, draws her near. His left hand tucks falling strands of hair behind her ear, his thumb painting a soft line against the bone of her cheek…down the slight curve of her jaw…against the plump parting of her lips._

 _Leaning up and in, his expression shines with the kind of reverence held only for angels bathed in shimmering gold. Lovely. Magnificent. Ethereal._

 _The adoration there, fashioned within him in burlap and baubles and bells, plucks her from inside the golden gates of holiday heaven and transcends her into his arms like a gift. For that's what she is: a gift called Love that was always meant to be his._

* * *

 **If there's any way for me to dole out (absurd) puns, I somehow manage to find it. Thank you so much for reading my silly crack drabble.** **Comments are lovely.**

 **Until next time,**

 **xx Ashlee Bree**


	5. Tied Up in (Superfluous) Text

**AUTHOR'S NOTE : This fulfills an anonymous prompt request which asked for a Katherine-and-Elijah-centric texting drabble. All I did was imagine their fashionable natures and this is what happened. ****There's some sexual innuendo, but it's SFW. (Established!Kalijah)**

 **Special thanks to my precious friend, accidental-rambler, for my beautiful new cover! * _covers you in hearts_ ***

* * *

 **Katherine** : Describe the tie you're wearing.

 **Elijah** : What for?

 **Katherine** : Imagery, I need some. Just roll with it.

 **Elijah** : No.

 **Katherine** : Yes! Yes! Yes! Give it to me.

 **Elijah** : No.

 **Katherine** : Come on! Work with me here, my sexy suit muffin… * _smirking emoji_ *

 **Elijah** : Kol is with me.

 **Katherine** : So what? Who cares about that Original defect, anyway?

 **Elijah** : I do.

 **Katherine** : Total waste of energy.

 **Elijah** : I beg to differ. He's impulsive, imprudent, tactless, crude, barbaric.

 **Katherine** : Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah…* _yawn_ *

 **Elijah** : You don't care?

 **Katherine** : Fuck no.

 **Katherine** : Remember, remember, the scheming shades of my temper: I attack BACK. * _devil horns emoji_ *

 **Elijah** : All the same, he'll probably connive a way to hack our entire _private_ conversation and forward it to everyone we know. All for nothing more than a good laugh at our expense.

 **Katherine** : Whatever.

 **Elijah** : I hate to fall prey to vulgar gossip. It's distasteful.

 **Katherine** : A little gossip should only embolden you, Armani Buns—especially if it's salacious. ;)

 **Katherine** : Let's loosen those buttons, Elijah baby. I'll show you how to do it with my… * _lips emoji_ *

 **Elijah** : No sexting, please, Katerina. I'm busy.

 **Katherine** : Mmm, but just imagine all the ways I can make you purr with one tiny, _dirty_ little word…

 **Elijah** : Not now.

 **Katherine** : _[inserts pouting gif]_

 **Elijah** : It's not the time or place.

 **Katherine** : * _talk-to-the-hand emoji_ *

 **Elijah** : I'm quite serious.

 **Katherine** : Oh, get a grip! You've made your point and I relent sexting (scathingly) in favor of boring old texting.

 **Elijah** : Very well.

 **Katherine** : * _glaring emoji_ *

 **Elijah** : Proceed.

 **Katherine** : About time! Now, your tie is…?

 **Elijah** : Silky. Skinny. Valentino.

 **Katherine** : And the color?

 **Elijah** : Claret. (Why is this of import?)

 **Katherine** : Patience, patience. All will be revealed soon.

 **Elijah** : Fine.

 **Katherine:** That's the one I bought for you in Milan. At fashion week in February. Am I right?

 **Elijah:** It is.

 **Katherine** : Mmm, that's one of my favorite ties. * _kitty heart eye emoji_ *

 **Elijah** : And mine.

 **Katherine** : I've always had an eye for fashionable things, something which I believe you appreciate. But I remember you being so damn _ungrateful_ when I first bought it.

 **Elijah** : Not ungrateful. Perplexed.

 **Katherine** : Liar! You wrinkled your nose at it like I'd handed you someone's severed limb.

 **Elijah** : The gesture was unexpected. I was processing your choice of gift. That's all.

 **Katherine** : The style was _too audacious_ I think you said? Ha. But I knew better. The cut and color of the tie was perfect! Everything you never realized you wanted…and needed.

 **Elijah** : I preferred black then.

 **Elijah** : I thought it sleek. Stylish. Suave. Whereas red…

 **Katherine:** Red was bold and dangerous.

 **Elijah** : Precisely.

 **Katherine** : But you'd also forgotten that red could be striking—and sexy—with the power to highlight the flames you trap inside. Behind those gorgeous amber eyes.

 **Katherine** : And I knew, I just _knew_ that such a color was meant for you; and that I was the only woman alive who could persuade you to see that, too.

 **Katherine** : I trusted that thought and bought the tie impulsively. On a whim, hoping to enchant you. It took me no more than a few seconds to decide it should belong to you.

 **Katherine** : That Valentino tie came right for you with lots of pomp and flare, E. I did, too. We're both yours now. * _devil emoji_ * * _heart emoji_ *

 **Elijah** : I'm glad. It turns out you have impeccable taste, Katerina.

 **Katherine** : Yes. I do.

 **Elijah** : And flawless instincts.

 **Katherine** : Don't I know it. #BitchImKittyKATABULOUS

 **Elijah** : Just out of curiosity, what prompted your interest in my apparel today?

 **Katherine** : Not your apparel, E. (Your tie—I care only about your tie.)

 **Elijah** : I don't follow.

 **Katherine** : I'm trying to figure out what to do with it later. What to do with _you_ later… _*winky face emoji*_

 **Elijah** : I see.

 **Elijah** : Any ideas? (Kol has departed.)

 **Katherine** : Two. Both are enticing in different ways: think Good Kat, Bad Kat and how loud you moan when I _scraaaatch_.

 **Elijah** : Go on. I'm listening.

 **Katherine** : 1) I can tie you to the headboard, performing all those limber moves that make your toes curl.

 **Elijah** : Option 1 has definite appeal. And the second?

 **Katherine** : 2) I can strangle you with silk so hard it takes _days_ for the chafing scar around your neck to heal. What's it going to be, My Knight in Sin and Suits?: _Death_ or _Seduction_?

 **Elijah** : This conversation took a decidedly venomous turn, and I'm at a loss.

 **Elijah** : Something has unnerved you.

 **Elijah** : Explain.

 **Katherine** : Oh, Elijah, Elijah! Just _how_ I use that tie of yours will depend entirely on how you account for this morning's events.

 **Katherine** : So…START TALKING.

 **Elijah** : I'm afraid I don't understand what you're intimating. What about this morning?

 **Katherine** : _*glaring emoji*_

 **Katherine** _:_ Don't play innocent with me.

 **Katherine** : You know what you did!

 **Elijah** : I do not.

 **Katherine** : The note, Elijah. The NOTE.

 **Elijah** : Ah.

 **Katherine** : [ _Inserts photo of an index card with elegant cursive text scrawled in the center.]_

 _Gone on witch business with Kol._

 _Please don't do anything superfluous (i.e. enrage Niklaus) while I'm away._

 _Back by lunch._

 _—E_

 **Katherine** : ^^What the hell do you call this?^^

 **Elijah** : A message detailing my whereabouts.

 **Katherine** : I expected better from you.

 **Elijah** : It was a gentlemanly courtesy. Are you implying that you'd prefer to remain _uninformed_ of my activities in the future?

 **Katherine** : NO.

 **Katherine** : But when my lover leaves a note on my pillow the morning following a rompin' good night I expect flattery! Charm! Romance! Songs praising my spectacular ass and feminine wiles! Anything! Anything at all but THAT.

 **Elijah** : Flip it over.

 **Katherine** : What?

 **Elijah** : That's the back.

 **Katherine** : ?

 **Elijah** : Flip the card over to read what's on the front, Katerina. I wrote something on the other side.

 **Katherine** : You did?

 **Elijah** : Yes.

[ _After a minute or two of silence._ ]

 **Katherine** : AHHHHH! You wrote me poetry, _mon trésor_!?

 **Elijah** : I commission sonnets in your name each day. I'll continue to do so until Time slumps over its last hill, fading fading away.

 **Katherine** : I LOVE YOU. I LOVE YOU. I LOVE YOU. Keats and Byron got nothin' on you, E. Nothing! * _kitty heart eyes emoji_ *

 **Elijah** : Yes. Now, back to you, me, and my claret silk tie…

* * *

 **I have no idea where this came from, honestly? * _laughs at self* *hides*_**

 **Comments are lovely. Thanks so much for reading!**

 **xx Ashlee Bree**


	6. Wedding She Don't Interruptus

**AUTHOR'S NOTE : Two mini-drabbles I wrote on Tumblr a while ago. Both (mostly) dialogue. This first one is loosely inspired by ACOMAF and has Klaus popping up to "save" Caroline from her wedding to Stefan. Have at it, lovelies!**

* * *

 **Wedding "She Don't" Interruptus**

 **Caroline** [ _standing at the altar, mind reeling; internally screaming_ ]: I don't want to marry Stefan anymore, I don't want to marry Stefan anymore, I freaking DON'T want to marry Stefan anymore! Can anyone hear me out there? Anyone? HELLO!?

 _A forceful but silent "Help Meeeeeeeee" reverberates outward from some place deep inside her undead heart. In A.M. frequency, it's calling out…calling out…calling out…_

 **Klaus** : _*busts into the venue like a wrecking ball*_

 **Caroline** : Oh. My. God.

 **Klaus** : Greetings lovebirds! Such beautiful day for a halted wedding, is it not?

 **Stefan** [ _glares_ ]: What is happening? Why are you here?

 **Klaus** : I'm here to attend the ceremony, of course!

 **Stefan** : As what? The ring bearer?

 **Klaus** [ _laughing_ ]: I have no use for rings, Stefan. Only fangs.

 **Enzo** [ _stands_ ]: Bite him! Bite him!

 _Gleeful, he licks his lips and rubs his hands together. More than hungry to witness a supernaturally-charged "I object" wedding fight._

 **Bonnie** : Which one?

 **Enzo** [ _shrugs_ ]: Whoever. I don't care, I'm easy.

 **Klaus** : I haven't missed the exchanging of the vows, have I? * _strides forward* *looks pointedly at Stefan_ * I'd be quite disappointed not to hear _yours_ , old friend.

 **Stefan** : But—but you weren't invited!

 **Klaus** : Ah, right. Then I suppose I'm here to collect your soon-to-be runaway bride who would prefer not to proceed. (I'm afraid I felt her screams of " _I don't_ " shredding through me all the way from New Orleans.)

* _winks at Caroline_ *

Hello love. In need of a hybrid escape escort this fine June day, perhaps?

 **Stefan** [ _to Klaus_ ]: She hates you. She'll never go with you, never!

 **Klaus** : Never say never, mate...

 **Stefan** : _I_ am who she wants. * _runs a hand through his hero hair_ * She won't go with you, you prick! I _know_ she won't go with you!

 **Klaus** : I believe I understand her better than you do.

 **Stefan** : No.

 _He crouches into a defensive position and snarls, holding his ground so Klaus cannot pass._

 **Caroline** : Perhaps he won't go with you, Klaus, but I will. [ _to Stefan_ ] Move out of my damn way! NOW.

* _the live wedding band starts playing "You Don't Own Me" from_ the First Wives Club*

 _Meanwhile, Caroline, veins pulsating beneath her eyes, hurls Stefan over the altar and into the wedding cake before flashing to Klaus' side to interlock their fingers and dash away down the aisle._

 **Caroline** : Get me the hell out of this town, Mikaelson, and FAST!

 **Klaus** : Any place in particular you wish to go, love?

 **Caroline** : Hm, well, you did once suggest Rome, Paris, and Tokyo...so why not start there?

 **Klaus** [ _smirking_ ]: I thought you'd never ask, sweetheart; I thought you'd never ask.

xx

 _The two of them fused closer and more intimately together in the years and centuries which followed, conquering the world and sampling all the joy, beauty, wonder, and mystery it offered them as supernaturals. Never once looking back._

 _There was no need, for they had it all now, you see..._

 _No human strings. Power and prestige. Honor and fidelity. Family_ — _some of blood, other of hearts' making. Infinite wrinkles of time to mold new histories. And most important of all: a love that tangled and weaved, forever to grow and never to cease._

* * *

 **A/N** : **The second one has the two of them squabbling over Klaus' jealous "dispense of the [covetous] bastard" tendencies.**

* * *

 **The One Where the Title Matters**

 **Klaus** : He kept trying to seduce you with purred, poetic one-liners and therefore had no need of a head anymore, Caroline!

 **Caroline** : I could've handled him myself, thank you very much.

 **Klaus** : How can you be angry with me for dispensing of that nuisance? I did it all for YOU, after all.

 **Caroline** : Okay, technically...yes. But that doesn't give you the right to become a jealous, paranoid, freaking growling Hybrid Guillotine because some drunken vampire fool named Lucien hits on me!

 **Klaus** : I beg your pardon, love, but it's Hybrid _Husband_ Guillotine. Just so we're clear. * _winks_ *

 _Caroline rolls her eyes and grumbles "un-freaking-believable" under her breath before stomping away._

 **Klaus** [ _calls after her_ ]: Don't be like that, sweetheart. You know you love me...

 **Caroline:** Ugh! As if!

 _Murderous asshole though he was, she did—in fact—love him. But she'd keep that knowledge to herself for now._

 _…For collateral_

* * *

 **Comments are lovely. Thanks for reading!**

 **xx Ashlee Bree**


	7. Kissin' Mikaelsons

**AUTHOR'S NOTE : From the Tumblr prompt " _And that's how you ruin a life. Congratulations_." Short, sweet, silly as all hell. With a touch of Koroline, Carenzo, and Kolenzo. Enjoy! **

* * *

The fishbowl-swimming of Caroline's head subsides as she snuggles into Klaus' chest on the sofa, but the tequila from half a dozen frozen margaritas still lingers on her breath. As does something worse: the hangover of regret.

"The next time those two Ladykillers over there ask me to karaoke night," she yawns, "make sure I have Davina hex them into toads _before_ I say yes."

"I suggest keeping it in the family, love," Klaus says as Enzo mumbles something under his breath, then erupts into laughter. "Ask Freya. Or you could always dagger them instead."

"Oi! I object!" Kol exclaims, standing up. "No one's shoving me in a hotbox merely because Little Miss Sunshine over there can't keep her lips off me when she's drunk. No way!"

While Caroline facepalms, screeching _shut up shut up shut up_ at the top of her lungs, Klaus levels a hybrid-eyed glare at his brother and snarls with fangs that warn of a poisonous, puncturing death.

"Easy there, Beastly." Enzo pipes in. He steps between Kol and Klaus with arms raised in supplication. "There was no harm done. Just a case of mistaken Mikaelson identity, that's all."

"Don't worry, brother, it's all in the family," Kol winks.

A growl erupts from Klaus' chest at this but he reins in his vengeful monster long enough to glance at Caroline, his jaw taut. She curls an arm around his bicep then drops her head in shame to say, "I—I was so drunk I thought he was you for a second. Just a second!"

"And you?" he turns and barks at Kol, his eyes churning with nightmare black. "Were you so drunk, too, that you kissed her back?"

"Hm…" Kol scratches his chin. "No—" his left eyebrow quirks upward "—no, I think I was more _tongue-tied_ than anything." His lips curl into a smirk. "What can I say, Nik? I always thought I'd be granted a good, open-mouthed Caroline kiss someday…and tonight, well, I simply could _not_ resist the temptation to taste one. Could you?"

A deafening, thunderous roar quakes the streets of the French Quarter as Klaus slams his youngest brother into the floorboards and swipes at his face with claws. Anxious to detach his wormy, mischievous little tongue from his throat. One slash here, another slash there and—

A soft but firm hand catches him by both wrists. They curl behind his back.

"And _that's_ how you ruin a perfectly peaceful home life, you moron! Congratulations on your big, fat, _open_ mouth!" Caroline yells down at Kol before dragging her hybrid, still sweaty and seething, away to calm down.

* * *

 **(I love Kol and Caroline ridiculousness, so I couldn't help myself.)**

 **Comments always welcomed. Thanks for reading, darlings. Until next time!**

 **xx Ashlee Bree**


	8. Tell Me, Baby, One More Time

**AUTHOR'S NOTE : Hello all! I know it's been awhile since I've updated, but here's a fluffy post-canon texting drabble I wrote for a friend who I thought could use a good laugh. Absolute crack. (We shall pretend all my faves are still alive.) I hope you like it. :)**

* * *

— _Saturday July 12, 2036: 6:02 P.M._

 **Klaus** : I know you miss me, love.

 **Caroline** : What? Do you mean already?

 **Klaus** : Ouch. :(

 **Caroline** : I'm sorry!

 **Klaus** : * _heartbroken emoji_ *

 **Caroline** : Crap, crap, crap. I should've laid the flirting on thick instead, right?

 **Klaus** : That would've been nice.

 **Caroline** : Sorry. I suck, I suck!

 **Klaus** : * _dejected emoji_ *

( _6:03 P.M._ )

 **Caroline** : Of course I miss you LOADS, my suave and sexy hybridbuns! This little blonde distraction will be ready and willing to distract you later. And I mean all night long (+ forever). * _kissy emoji_ * x10

 **Caroline** : Better?

 **Klaus** : No.

 **Caroline** : * _kissy emoji_ * x50

 **Caroline** : How about now?

( _6:07 P.M._ )

 **Caroline** : Hello?

 **Klaus** : Don't.

 **Caroline** : Aww, why not? :/

 **Klaus** : Please don't, Caroline.

 **Klaus** : There's no use trying to boost my severely damaged ego with contrived pet names, artificial declarations, or emojis. It wounds me deeply.

 **Caroline** : Liar.

 **Caroline** : You live to be flooded by my excessive emojis, and you know it! The kissy ones are your favorite.

( _6:09 P.M._ )

 **Klaus** : Not anymore, I'm afraid.

 **Caroline** : * _glaring emoji_ *

 **Caroline** : Take that back. Take it back right now, right now!

 **Klaus** : Can't. Too heartbroken. :(

( _6:10 P.M_ )

 **Caroline** : You big baby. And what a liar you are, too!

 **Klaus** : Try me, sweetheart.

 **Caroline** : * _kissy emoji_ * x500

 **Klaus** : You.

 **Klaus** : Wound.

 **Klaus** : Me.

 **Klaus** : D

 **Klaus** : E

 **Klaus** : E

 **Klaus** : P

 **Klaus** : L

 **Klaus** : Y

 **Caroline** : Lol okay, stop acting so dramatic and depressed please.

( _6:11 P.M_.)

 **Klaus** : Who's acting, sweetheart? Who's acting?

 **Klaus** : [ _inserts YouTube video of Mariah Carey's "Heartbreaker"_ ]

 **Caroline** : Oh, come on! We've been through this multiple times today already. You know how I feel about you, Klaus.

 **Klaus** : Do I now? According to who, hm? You? Because if you ask me—

 **Caroline** : Ughhhhhhhhhhhhhh.

 **Klaus** : That's what I thought.

 **Caroline** : UGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH.

 **Klaus** : And, yet, I'd cut up my heart for you to wear. Can you believe that?

 **Caroline** : Yes.

( _6:13 P.M._ )

 **Klaus** : …But?

 **Klaus** : (I sense a but.)

 **Caroline** : I mean, you're quoting Rhett Butler rn? Really?

 **Klaus** : My apologies, but "I was in the middle before I knew I'd begun."

 **Caroline** : Lol good God are you exhausting. Like - supernaturally so.

 **Klaus** : Who? _Moi_?

 **Klaus** : Never.

 **Caroline** : #OriginalPainInMyAss

( _6:17 P.M_.)

 **Klaus** : Hey, now, I can't help that my immortal years have fogged my brain so thoroughly that I need constant refreshers and reassurances from you about, AHEM…things.

 **Caroline** : Things, huh? Remind me why I moved to NOLA to be with you again?

 **Klaus** : I don't know, love. Why don't you tell me?

 **Caroline** : * _eye roll emoji_ *

 **Klaus** : Go on.

 **Klaus** : Tell me, tell me.

( _6:19 P.M._ )

 **Caroline** : I know what you're trying to do right now. Just fyi: it's not going to work.

 **Klaus** : But it's so quiet here tonight—so cold and colorless without you here, warm in my arms, safe against my chest, your lips pressed into my neck…

 **Klaus** : I'm all by myself and I don't like it.

 **Klaus** : Don't wanna be all. by. myself.

 **Klaus** : ANYMOOOORE.

 **Caroline** : * _eye roll emoji_ *

 **Klaus** : I beg your pardon?

 **Caroline** : * _eye roll emoji_ * x10

( _6:20 P.M_ )

 **Klaus** : I'll have you know I take great offense to your prolific use of that eye roll.

 **Caroline** : Good.

 **Klaus** : I'm all alone in this dark, danky, dungeon of a mansion, and this is how you treat me? Is that all you have to say?

 **Caroline** : Yep.

 **Klaus** : Truly?

 **Caroline** : Read it and weep: Y E P.

( _6:22 P.M_.)

 **Klaus** : You give new meaning to the word cruel.

 **Caroline** : You + Ridiculous = How You Deserve To Be Treated (Ridiculously)

 **Klaus** : Throw an "old but undead fart" (as you so affectionately refer to me behind my back to Bonnie and Enzo - yes - I'm aware of it) a bone here.

 **Caroline** : Why should I?

 **Klaus** : * _sobbing emoji_ *

( _6:23 P.M._ )

 **Caroline** : Oh, for crying out loud!

 **Caroline** : You do realize Rebekah, Kol, and I literally just left for TSwift's Greatest Hits concert via car service, right?

 **Klaus** : So?

 **Caroline** : Like - five seconds ago?

 **Klaus** : Five seconds? That's all the vacant longing I've left in you this evening, five seconds worth?

 **Klaus** : I cannot bloody believe this!

 **Caroline** : What? Did I (accidentally) hurt your feelings again?

 **Klaus** : * _frowning_ _emoji_ *

 **Caroline** : Well, did I? Spit it out.

 **Klaus** : I'll have you know it's been 21 minutes, 12 seconds, 2.5 milliseconds since you patted my arse and sashayed out our bedroom door - without a backwards glance, mumbled words of adoration, or a satisfactory kiss goodbye, might I add - so I'd say that's a sufficient amount of time for you to miss someone you [ _fill in the blank_ ].

( _6:24 P.M._ )

 **Caroline** : Omg, are you kidding? You freaking timed how long I've been gone down to the millisecond? Seriously!?

 **Caroline** : Who does that?

 **Klaus** : It was an educated guess, Caroline. Alright? No need for frantic effusions.

 **Caroline** : * _arched brow emoji_ *

 **Caroline** : That's awfully specific for an "educated guess," don't you think?

 **Klaus** : Don't fret, sweetheart, precision will come to you in time, too.

 **Klaus** : Give it a few centuries.

( _6:25 P.M._ )

 **Caroline** : Lol you're such a creep, you know that? But you're my creep.

 **Klaus** : Hm?

 **Klaus** : What'd you say? I thought I read something after "my creep" but the connection's wonky so perhaps I didn't catch it…

 **Caroline** : Smh.

 **Klaus** : Care to repeat yourself?

( _6:29 P.M_ )

 **Klaus** : Do you, do you?

( _6:36 P.M._ )

 **Klaus** : ?

 **Klaus** : ?

 **Klaus** : ?

( _6:42 P.M_.)

 **Klaus** : * _heartbroken emoji_ *

( _6:43 P.M_.)

 **Caroline** : Ugh, fine.

 **Caroline** : Klaus, I love you. I LOVE YOU, okay?

( _6:51 P.M_ )

 **Caroline** : I love you so much that it makes my toes curl when I think about how you bit your way beneath my skin, tearing me open in ways and places I never knew existed, forcing me to confront the parts of myself I was too afraid to touch because darkness wound through me like a beautifully untapped mystery, and I didn't want to see it there. I didn't want to feel it there, living, or breathing. Until I met you, I never realized a world of possibility ticked inside of me like a song that refuses to stop, and I love you for wakening my heart to the beat of this ageless eternity.

 **Caroline** : I love who I am with you.

 **Caroline** : I love how comforted I feel in your arms - how safe - the way you kiss me like it's the first and last time all at once.

 **Caroline** : I love your artist's hands which paint the emotions you can't express in words against my skin with the brush of a thumb, fingers sweeping the hair off my forehead just before dawn when you think I'm still asleep; your eyes soft, smiling, as they carve me into a silhouette memory you'll carry with you for the rest of the day, cherishing me the way I've always wanted to be known but never believed I would be.

 **Caroline** : You drive me crazy in all the best ways, okay? So suck it up, last love, because this B-positive blonde's here for keeps! * _kissy emoji_ *

 **Klaus** : [ _inserts 'I Believe I Can Fly' gif_ ]

( _7:02 P.M_.)

 **Caroline** : Satisfied now, you incorrigible hybrid?

 **Klaus** : For now.

 **Caroline** : :D

( _7:04 P.M_ )

 **Caroline** : Now, please reassure me you're not sitting in your art studio all morose, bourbon in-hand, a mountain of summer tourists drained to death behind you, with a stopwatch counting down the seconds until I come home?

 **Klaus** : No.

 **Caroline** : Promise me, Klaus.

 **Klaus** : I said no.

 **Caroline** : Promise me, please? You know, because in some warped and demented part of your brain you've convinced yourself I won't come home to you for some reason.

 **Caroline** : (Which, again, is insane considering I LOVE YOU, but whatever, you get the point.)

 **Klaus** : No stopwatch. I promise.

 **Caroline:** Oh, thank God! You had me worried for a second.

( _7:05 P.M_.)

 **Klaus** : What do you take me for, some kind of paranoid and besotted fool?

 **Caroline** : Given your track record…yeah, totally.

 **Klaus** : Good, because I'm using a pocket watch. ;)

( _7:08 P.M_.)

 **Caroline** : * _facepalm emoji_ *

 **Klaus** : What? It's an antique I borrowed from Charles II.

 **Caroline** : Ha.

 **Caroline** : Borrowed, my ass.

( _7:17 P.M_.)

 **Klaus** : Anyway, have fun tonight, love. Oh, and make sure my brother saves me a bite of Taylor Swift when you get home. ;)

 **Caroline** : Wait—Kol plans to eat Taylor Swift?

 **Klaus** : * _licking lips emoji_ *

 **Caroline** : Oh, crap, oh crap! Is that why he splurged on these tickets and wanted to come?

( _7:20 P.M._ )

 **Caroline** : ?

( _7:21 P.M_.)

 **Caroline** : We're about to enter the venue, so tell me you're joking.

( _7:22 P.M_.)

 **Caroline** : Hello!?

( _7:24 P.M_.)

 **Caroline** : Answer me!

 **Klaus** : * _smirking emoji*_

 _(7:25 P.M.)_

 **Caroline** : OMG, IS IT?

 **Caroline** : IS IT!?

( _7:26 P.M._ )

 **Caroline** : This isn't funny, mister. I am not laughing.

( _7:27 P.M._ )

 **Caroline** : KLAUS?

( _7:35 P.M_.)

 **Caroline** : KLAUSSSSSS.

(7 _:42 P.M_ )

 **Caroline** : Seriously, wth!?

 **Caroline** : I DID NOT SIGN UP FOR THIS KIND OF MIKAELSON FAMILY MISCHIEF. LIKE - AT ALL.

 **Caroline** : What do you have to say for yourself, huh?

 **Klaus** : [ _inserts a looped clip of Taylor Swift singing "It's a love story, baby, just say yes."_ ]

* * *

 **Comments, as always, are much appreciated. Thanks for reading, lovelies! Until next time!**

 **xx Ashlee Bree**


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